author: aj (another_juxtaposition@hotmail.com)
codes: paris, gilmore girls
disclaimer: yeah, so not mine.
notes: so this just sort of popped out. i was inspired, what can i say? kyra rocked the house with her proper grammar lessons and encouragement.

summary: "Can you feel it? This has conspiracy written all over it."

*

“Can you believe it? Sandra Day O’Connor. Sandra fucking Day O’Connor. Was I supposed to see this coming? Tell me I was supposed to see this coming. I didn’t see this coming. I saw the fall of the Berlin Wall coming, but Sandra Day O’Connor? The Lance Armstrong of her day.”

“You were seven when the wall came down. How did you predict that?”

“What’s wrong with being up on world events at a young age? Gorbechev was a wimp, Poland already folded, I mean it was bloody obvious that ugly, concrete thing was history. And I knew that LBJ wasn’t going to run again.”

“You weren’t even alive!”

“I was reading the book! The man wasn’t strong enough to continue. I knew it. And I was right. I should have seen this coming. I can’t believe I was so distracted by everything else, I didn’t see this coming. I mean, look at her –“

“Paris, you have got to relax –“

“ – stabbing the sisterhood that brought her where she is today right in the back. I mean, she has to have a clue. Doesn’t she have a clue? She’s the swing vote! The 5 in the 5-4 decisions! I mean, I have to say I think her ruling on the juvenile death penalty was a little over the top, and let’s not even go into the constitutional disaster that was Bush v. Gore, but affirmative action! Women’s right to choose!”

“Paris, you have to breathe.”

“Do you hear me, Gilmore? I hope your birth control is up to par because if there’s one mistake, it’s too bad for you. Who knows how long we’ll even be allowed to use birth control! Banning condoms! That’s what’s next! Because we’re killing the possibility of a life that has more rights than our own. Gloria Steinham, who we all know almost isn’t even a feminist anymore, is crying in bed tonight. It was supposed to be Renny. I was all prepared for good old Rehnquist to go. He’s old, he’s boring, it’s his time. And then Scalia would have been Chief Justice and I would organize weekly marches on Washington during session, oh, and petitions, you can’t forget the power of a good old petition, but that’s off topic. That’s what should have been. It wasn’t supposed to be Sandra Day O’Connor!”

Paris paused for a moment to suck in air.

“I mean, I respected her decisions. They called her the pragmatist. Sure, she made some stupid moves. But she was pretty constitutionally solid.”

Paris’s shoes were squeaking against the wooden floor.

“I’ll bet it’s a conspiracy. Can’t you feel it? This has conspiracy written all over it. We all know she dated big, old William in college. Maybe they still have a thing. Maybe there’s a octogenarian affair being conducted in those sacred halls, near those sacred robes of justice!”

“I think they’re only in their seventies.”

Paris continued nonplussed. “I mean, we all know she wanted to retire in 2000. So who does she turn for in her time of need, of comfort, who will really understand what it means to be a Supreme Court Justice for another four years or possibly more? Certainly not her husband who was stupid enough to invite friends that would rat on her early retirement plan on her. I bet they did it in the courthouse. Maybe even with the robes. I bet Rehnquist would get a great power trip out of that.”

“Eeew! Paris! Stop it. You’re putting the Kennedy conspiracy theorists to shame. Anyway, I read her book. She seems like a nice grandma who just wants to spend time with her family before she dies. What’s so wrong with that?”

“That’s what they want you to think! A nice little old lady from Arizona who had no idea what an influence she had by becoming the first female Justice. She graduated from Stanford law! Why does Washington continually think we’re stupid? Admit it! It makes sense! I mean, why now? What does she have to gain by stepping down now? Why not in three months? Why not after the next term? Why so suddenly and without proper notice?

“They’re trying to throw us off balance. Well, I’m on to them. That whole bunch of conservative fat-cat constitutionalists. Hillary was right. There is a vast right-wing conspiracy going on right underneath our noses. They think we’ll be so automatically focused on bitter confirmation hearings we won’t notice the complete right-wing take-over of the supposed most impartial branch of government! Which, we all know it isn’t anymore, but that’s beside the point. The point is, O’Connor’s gone, Rehnquist is next, Kennedy is looking like Strom Thurmond on his good days, and poor Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dying of cancer, but she’s not giving up her seat! You know why? Because she’s a true, patriotic, American woman. She’s got balls. She’s not one to kowtow to anyone. Oh, no. She is a woman.”

“So is O’Connor.” Rory sighed.

“O’Connor revoked her rights to womanhood today! Where are you, Rory, did you hear the part about stabbing the sisterhood in the back? I can’t understand why you aren’t upset by this. This of all things! Where’s your journalistic instinct? Can’t you tell that there’s a story here? Something they aren’t telling us? And I, for one, demand a right to know!”

“Paris, my laundry needs to go in the dryer. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Fine. But give this some thought. We could break it at Yale and become the next Woodward and Bernstein. Only younger, more photogenic, and with far more potential.”

Paris paused. “Though Woodward has made a nice career for himself.”

“Good night, Paris. Besides, I told you, I already e-mailed Doyle and resigned my position.”

“Oh, right. Like I’m falling for the old ‘I need to find myself so I’m going to drop out of college and run around looking pretty and trying New Things!’ shtick you have going. Like you’re Logan, or something. I don’t know what you’re planning, but you can bet that I’m on it. Anyway, conspiracies, Gilmore! Sleep on it!”

*

. the end .
  . send a flower .
    . pick another.
       . back to the garden gate.