All characters belong to their respective creators, not to us. Standard disclaimers apply. Please send feedback. The Crackpots And These Golden Girls Violet & Cinnamon
[Fade up on the Miami house. DOROTHY ZBORNAK and SOPHIA PETRILLO are sitting on the living room couch. They are reading the newspaper. BLANCHE DEVEREAUX is sitting in a chair, reading a paperback novel. ROSE NYLUND enters through the front door.]
Rose: Hi, girls.
Dorothy: Hi, Rose. Where have you been?
Rose: Well, I went to the store to pick up some herring for dinner, and you know what I remembered?
Blanche: That we all hate herring?
Rose: No! I remembered that tomorrow is my granddaughter's birthday!
Dorothy: Oh, how old will little Charley be?
Rose: Not Charley.
Blanche: What do you mean, not Charley? You only have one granddaughter, Rose.
Rose: No, I have two granddaughters.
Dorothy: Rose, I cannot believe that we've lived together all this time and you never told us you have another granddaughter.
Rose: I do. She lives in Washington, DC, and I've decided to fly there in the morning to surprise her!
Dorothy: Washington, DC? Oh, how exciting! I've always been fascinated with Washington, remember, Ma?
Sophia: Yeah. You had the biggest crush on Harry Truman.
Blanche: So is it going to be a big birthday for your granddaughter, Rose?
Rose: She's still in her twenties. I just want to go because I haven't seen her since before the election.
Dorothy: Election? What--what election, Rose?
Rose: The Presidential election, Dorothy. And you call me the stupid one. My granddaughter works in the White House.
[Rose walks to the kitchen. Stunned, Dorothy, Blanche, and Sophia follow.]
Dorothy: Your granddaughter works in the White House?
Rose: Uh-huh. Oh, I'm so proud of Donna.
Blanche: Well, what does she do?
Sophia: Let's hope she's not an intern.
Rose: I believe she's the Assistant to the Deputy Chief of Staff.
Dorothy: Oh, my God! Your granddaughter works for Josh Lyman!
Rose: Is that his name?
Dorothy: Rose, I cannot believe this! I voted for Jed Bartlet. This is incredible!
Blanche: Why haven't you ever mentioned Donna before?
Rose: Well, you're always telling me how much you hate the stories I tell, so I decided not to bore you with another story.
Sophia: Last week, you told us about Inga Flingenfloogenflotz, St. Olaf's first female puppeteer, but you decided to keep your granddaughter and her job at the White House a secret?
Rose: Inga was a pioneer in the women's rights movement.
Blanche: She glued little eyes onto socks and made them talk, Rose. That's hardly groundbreaking.
Rose: She didn't just make them talk, Blanche. She made them sing, she made them dance, she made them come to life!
Dorothy: No one cares, Rose! Now, please, tell us more about your granddaughter.
Rose: I don't have time, Dorothy. I have to pack and call the airline. Hey, I have a crazy idea. Why don't you girls come with me?
Blanche: Go with you?
Rose: Sure! We haven't taken a vacation together in years, and I'm sure Donna would love to meet you. What do you say, girls?
Dorothy: I would love to go with you, Rose!
Sophia: I'm game.
Rose: Blanche, what about you?
Blanche: Oh, what the hell. Mel Bushman cancelled our date for tomorrow night, so I'm free. Let's go to Washington!
[Cut to an aerial shot of the White House. Inside, we see JOSH LYMAN hurrying down the hall to a staff meeting, with his assistant DONNA MOSS trailing him.]
Donna: I'm just saying --
Josh: I hear what you're saying, Donna, and the answer is still no.
Donna: I'm just saying that, considering all I do for you, scuba-diving lessons wouldn't be an inappropriate birthday present.
Josh: Maybe not, but if I'm hearing you correctly, you also want me to fly you to Barbados so you can dive with the giant turtles.
Donna: Is that so much to ask for?
Josh: I'll get you scuba diving lessons in the Potomac.
Donna: You could make this birthday really special, Josh --
Josh [teasingly]: I sure could.
[Josh leaves her in the hall and steps jauntily into an office, where LEO MCGARRY, SAM SEABORN, TOBY ZIEGLER, and C.J. CREGG are assembled. They look up at him irritably as he enters.]
Leo: You're late.
Josh: Sorry. Donna was going on about swimming with the giant turtles and -- [he notices everyone staring at him.] You don't care. What's up?
Leo: Social Security.
Josh: Oh, is this about last night?
Leo: The President, in the course of giving a speech on national television --
Toby: An impeccably-written speech that needed no polishing, I might add.
Leo: -- Improvised a riff on how the current budget compromise in Congress is going to bankrupt Social Security.
Toby: He's trying to give me a heart attack.
Sam: I tried to tell you we should put something in there about the budget....
Toby: Sam's trying to give me a heart attack too.
Josh: Is there gonna be a thing?
C.J.: I have a morning briefing in twenty minutes and it's going to be the first ten questions I get. It's already a thing.
Leo: Between this and the women's march in town, things are going to be hectic. Sam, Toby, start working on a statement the President can make to clarify his position. Josh, start going over the Balanced Budget Committee's records in case we need to cite them.
Josh: I'm not really a math person.
Leo: Be one today. [He looks around.] We're done here. Let's hope nothing else goes wrong today.
[Fade up on Dorothy, Rose and Blanche standing across the street from the White House.]
Dorothy: Rose, I cannot believe we don't have a way in!
Rose: Well, if I'd called ahead, it wouldn't be a surprise.
Blanche: Maybe I could distract that Secret Service agent over there and you girls could sneak in.
Dorothy: These men are professionals, Blanche. They're not going to be swayed by some cleavage and a smile.
Blanche: Why not? It worked at Buckingham Palace.
[Sophia walks over.]
Sophia: I snagged us the last four spots on the White House tour, but we have to hurry. It starts in five minutes.
[The girls walk across the street to the White House.]
Dorothy: How'd you manage that, Ma?
Sophia: I told them I was dying.
Sophia: What? I'm 83 years old! I could go at any minute.
[Cut to White House tour. Dorothy is totally engrossed, Sophia is paying attention, Blanche looks bored, and Rose is looking around for Donna.]
Tour guide: And that concludes our tour. Are there any questions?
Rose: I have a question.
Tour guide: Go ahead.
Rose: Can you tell me where the President's staff works?
Tour guide: Their offices are in the west wing of the building. Any other questions?
Man in tour: When the President is sworn in--
Rose [whispering]: Girls, this is our chance. We can sneak down there and surprise Donna!
Dorothy [whispering]: What if we get caught?
Blanche [whispering]: We can just say we're diplomats or something. They'll never know.
Sophia [whispering]: The tour's moving ahead. Come on!
[The girls head in the direction of the West Wing.]
Sophia: I snagged these name tags from the tour leaders. They look really official.
Blanche: I'm Catherine Connelly.
Sophia: I'm Juanita Montez.
Dorothy: I'm Helen Kappenbach.
Rose [puzzledly]: I'm Kim Fung-Toi.
[The girls put on the badges, stride towards the offices.]
[Sneaking through a corridor, the girls get stopped by Secret Service Agent RON BUTTERFIELD.]
Sophia: Run, Rose!
Blanche: Let me handle this. [She clears her throat.] May I help you?
Ron: Who are you and why are you in this area of the building?
Blanche: We are diplomats, sir.
Blanche: Yes, sir, we are diplomats.
Ron: Let me see your credentials.
Blanche: I don't usually show a man my credentials until after he's taken me to dinner.
Ron: Ladies? I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Rose: Oh, no. Please--
[Rose begins to cry.]
Dorothy: Oh, look. You've upset Kim Fung-Toi.
[Cut to Josh's office. Josh is sitting behind his desk, looking at budget printouts.]
Josh: Donna! Can you bring me a calculator?
[Donna enters and tosses a pencil and a pad of paper on Josh's desk.]
Josh: What's this?
Donna: Paper and a pencil.
Josh: This is not a calculator.
Donna: No, it's paper and a pencil.
Josh: I asked for a calculator.
Donna: I thought maybe you'd like to work on your long division.
Josh: I don't want to work on my long division, I want a calculator.
Donna: You're a smart guy, Josh. I'm sure you can do some of this stuff in your head.
Josh: Quick, what's three trillion divided by 26 billion?
Donna: Let me get you that calculator.
[Voices from the hall.]
Josh: What's that?.
[Josh and Donna walk out of his office and see Dorothy, Rose, Sophia and Blanche arguing with Ron.]
Rose: Please, just let me see my granddaughter--
[Rose and Donna hug.]
Dorothy: Josh Lyman!
[Blanche steps forward and extends her hand.]
Blanche: Blanche Devereaux.
Donna: It's ok, sir. This is my grandmother.
Ron: Please tell your grandmother and her friends not to sneak into the White House next time they decide to pay you a visit.
[Ron walks away.]
Donna: Grandma, what are you doing here?
Rose: I wanted to surprise you. Happy birthday, sweetheart!
Donna: Grandma Rose, this is my boss, Josh Lyman. Josh, this is my grandmother, Rose Nylund.
[Josh and Rose shake hands.]
Rose: It's nice to meet you, Joshua. These are my friends, Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia.
Dorothy: It's a real thrill to meet you, Mr. Lyman.
Josh: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Donna [rolls her eyes at Josh]: Why don't I take you four out to lunch?
Josh: You don't have your lunch hour for another two hours yet.
Donna [flippantly]: So fire me.
Josh: I can do that, you know.
Donna: Knock yourself out.
Josh: You're going to leave without even showing your grandmother around?
Rose: Oh, we don't need to -- [Dorothy elbows her] Ouch!
Josh: It's not like you get an insider's tour of the West Wing every day. We can send someone to get lunch for you. Donna, who usually goes and gets lunch around here?
Donna: I do.
Josh: Oh, yeah. Well, send one of the interns. We're gonna show these nice ladies the White House.
Donna: What about the Budget Committee?
Josh: 51 billion divided by 260 million, Donna.
Donna [resigned]: Let's go.
[They all head off down the hallway, Josh leading the way.]
Rose: Can you believe it, girls?
Dorothy: We're going to see where the leaders of the free world work!
Blanche: I must admit, I've always found politicians exciting.
Sophia: You find anything with a Y-chromosome exciting!
Dorothy: Maybe we'll even get to meet the President!
Sophia: Let's just keep Blanche from popping out of his birthday cake.
[Josh stops at MARGARET's desk.]
Josh: Is Leo in?
Margaret: He's in a conference call --
Josh: Aw, this'll be quick.
[He knocks on Leo's door and then opens it.]
Leo [into the phone]: Hang on. [He presses a button and puts the phone on hold.] What?
Josh: You busy?
Leo: I'm talking to three members of Congress who believe the President should draft a written apology for his remarks last night and then do whatever they want for the next six months as a 'gesture of goodwill.'
Josh: So is that a yes, or...?
Leo: I'm always busy, Josh. What do you want?
Josh: There's some people here I'd like you to meet. It'll only take a second.
[Leo gets up from his desk and follows Josh out of the office.]
Josh: Ladies, this is my boss, White House Chief of Staff Leo McGarry. This is Donna's grandmother Rose, and her friends Dorothy, Sophia, and Blanche.
[Josh looks highly amused. Donna looks embarrassed. Dorothy looks thrilled. Sophia looks mildly impressed. Blanche and Leo stare at each other, stunned.]
Blanche: Mr. McGarry.
Leo: Blanche Hollingsworth! What a treat to see you after all this time. I'm surprised you haven't forgotten me.
Blanche: *Forgotten* you? You broke my heart thirty years ago, you cad!
[Everyone else exchanges confused looks.]
Leo: Now, Blanche, I don't think I --
Blanche: Why, I've just never forgiven you!
[Blanche folds her arms and turns her back on Leo coldly. He sighs and retreats into his office, slamming the door behind him. Dorothy goes to console Blanche.]
Josh: Well, this is a hell of a lot more interesting than the budget.
Donna: You are *so* fired.
Josh: If I lose my job, you're going down with me. [Donna opens her mouth to protest. Josh grins at her.] Happy birthday.
[Fade in on Josh's office. Josh is leaning back in his chair enjoying himself, and Donna has her face in her hands to conceal her embarrassment. Blanche is sitting mournfully in one of Josh's chairs, and Dorothy, Sophia and Rose are hovering around her.]
Josh: So you dated Leo in college?
Blanche: Oh, he was the perfect gentleman. He was so suave and polite and smart. I really started to fall in love with him.
Rose: Well, what happened?
Blanche: One night I was supposed to meet Leo for dinner, and he stood me up. Can you imagine?! A man standing Blanche Devereaux up?!
Sophia: Usually they just lay you down.
Blanche: A few days later, he sent me a letter saying he'd transferred to a school up north because they had a better law department. I was just devastated! Then a few months later I met George. We were happy together, but I never forgot Leo. And I never heard from him again.
Josh: That doesn't sound like something Leo would do.
Donna: You don't think Leo would ditch his love life for a career opportunity?
Josh: Okay, so it sounds a little like something Leo would do.
Rose: Oh, Donna, I just remembered your birthday present!
Donna: Grandma, you didn't have to get me anything.
Josh: Wait, so she doesn't have to get you anything, but I'm supposed to send you to the tropics?
Rose: It was no trouble, sweetheart. I baked you one of my Honey Crunch Brown Sugar Maple Logs.
[She produces the confection from her oversized handbag and puts it on Josh's desk. Josh looks at it curiously.]
Donna: Oh, how sweet of you! Thanks so much.
Sophia: Sweet? That thing has so much sugar glaze, it probably glows in the dark!
[There's a knock on Josh's door and Sam pokes his head into the room.]
Sam: Josh, I -- oh, am I interrupting something important?
Josh: I can't begin to tell you how you're not.
Dorothy: You're Sam Seaborn!
Sam: Um, yeah. Who are you?
Josh: These are Dorothy, Blanche, Sophia, and Donna's grandmother Rose.
Sam: Really? I didn't know you had a grandmother. I mean, I assumed you *had* one, but... I'm talking myself into a hole here.
Josh: Hey, Sam, why don't you show the ladies your office? I really should get back to work, and if Donna's face gets any redder I'm afraid her head might explode. [Donna groans.]
Sam: Sure! You guys can come meet my boss, Toby Ziegler.
Dorothy [excited]: We'd love that! Come on, Ma.
Blanche [sighs]: I suppose I might as well take a look around while I'm here.
Rose: I'll see you later, honey, all right?
Donna [nods]: Have fun, Grandma.
[The girls follow Sam out of Josh's office. Donna glares at Josh, who chuckles to himself.]
Donna: I'm going to kill you!
Josh [innocently]: You're not having fun?
Donna: You better not ask me to make you coffee for a very long time.
Josh: I'm sorry, Donna. But your grandmother and her friends are really nice! [He eyes Rose's birthday gift.] What did she say that thing was called?
Donna: A Crunchy Maple Sugar Honey Log.
Josh: Can I try a piece?
[Donna nods. Josh unwraps the cellophane, breaks off a small chunk, and takes a bite.]
Josh: Wow. I think I can actually feel it eating away my taste buds.
Donna: You're really charming, you know that?
Josh: I may have to hire your grandmother.
Donna: Josh --
Josh: Just kidding. [As she gets up to leave, he rummages through the papers on his desk.] Oh, and see if you can find me that calculator, will you?
[Cut to the hall. Sam is leading Dorothy, Blanche, Sophia and Rose to Toby's office.]
Blanche: Do you think he's out here, Dorothy?
Blanche: Leo McGarry!
Sam: You know Leo?
Blanche: It's a long story.
Sophia: Short version: he dumped her.
Sam: Leo dumped you?
Blanche: Hard to believe, isn't it? Why, I just can't believe my luck, running into him here.
Dorothy: Blanche, I cannot believe you didn't know Leo McGarry worked for the President! I mean, I could have told you that.
Blanche: Of course you could have told me that, Dorothy. You don't have a social life.
Sam: Ahem. Here's Toby Ziegler's office.
Rose: Mr. Seaborn? May I talk to you for a minute?
Sam: Sure, Rose. You ladies just go on in.
Dorothy: Are you sure?
Sam: He's just working on a little statement, he won't mind.
[Dorothy claps her hands in joy. Blanche and Sophia look at each other and shake their heads. The three of them enter Toby's office.]
Sam: What is it, Rose?
Rose: I'm concerned about UFOs.
Sam: I'm sorry?
Rose: I'm concerned about UFOs.
Sam: You're concerned.
Sam: About UFOs.
Rose: Yes. A few years ago, I saw a UFO from my very own lanai! It was very exciting, but it was also very scary. I think the government should pay more attention to UFOs.
Sam: Are we paying them any attention at all right now?
Sam: Good. We have enough trouble with the First Lady and her Ouija board.
[Cut to Toby's office. Toby is at his desk, going over a rough draft and growing increasingly irritated.]
Toby: I still don't understand. Who let you in here?
Blanche: That nice young man. Sam.
Toby: Sam? Does he want me to kill him? [Toby sighs] He must want me to kill him; I mean, first he writes this, then he lets you in here -- poor Sam. Poor, dead Sam.
Dorothy: May I have a look at that?
[Dorothy gestures to the paper on Toby's desk.]
Dorothy: If you're proof-reading it, I could help you. I'm an English teacher.
Sophia: Substitute English teacher, Pussycat. Substitute.
Dorothy: I have 38 years of English teaching experience!
Toby: Okay, that doesn't seem to be about anything that interests me.
[Sam and Rose enter the office.]
Sam: See, the thing is, Mrs. Nylund, there are levels to the US air command, and to relay your message to the President would skip several of them.
Rose: Like what?
Sam: Like the Pentagon and, I don't know, therapy? [Rose nods thoughtfully.]
Toby: Oh, Sam?
Toby: Who are these people and why did you let them into my office?
Sam [cheerfully]: Well, that's Dorothy Zbornak, and her mother Sophia, and Blanche apparently used to date Leo, and this is Rose --
Toby: I swear to God, Sam, if the hallways weren't full of armed guards, I'd strangle you with my own bare hands and then have you boiled in oil.
Rose: That happened to someone I knew in St. Olaf! Hugh Gerfleckfinugen's wife caught him in bed with the milkmaid....
[Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia groan reflexively. Toby fixes Rose with a discomfiting stare.]
Toby: Have you fallen on your head?
Toby: Have you fallen down and hit your head on something hard?
[Rose looks confused, then stung.]
Sam: Toby, I'm just trying to be a good host.
Toby: Could you possibly be a good host anywhere but in my office?
Rose: We'll go back and see my granddaughter. Let's go.
[Rose and Blanche stalk out.]
Sophia: I'm going to go see if I can find a cup of tea around this place. Come on, Pussycat.
Dorothy: I'm right behind you, Ma.
[Sophia exits. Dorothy lingers.]
Sam: You ought to really make an effort --
Toby and Dorothy [simultaneously]: Split infinitive.
[Toby and Dorothy look at each other.]
Toby: You know, on second thought, maybe you should look over this speech of Sam's.
[Dorothy walks around Toby's desk and they study the paper together.]
Dorothy: You're spelling "hallowed" with a pound sign?
Toby: I was just thinking that.
[Toby and Dorothy shake their heads over the errors.]
Sam: Well, this is bad on so many levels.
[Cut to Rose and Blanche walking down the hallway.]
Rose: I'm pretty sure that Toby Ziegler doesn't like us.
Blanche: Me too.
Rose: I think he's rude.
Blanche: Me too.
Rose: He thinks I'm dumb.
Blanche: Me too. [Rose shrugs this off.]
Rose: So, what are you going to do about your ex-boyfriend?
Blanche: Well, I'm going to have to confront him. I mean, I can't let the single, solitary rejection of my entire fantastic love life go unexplained.
Rose: Oh, I can't believe you.
Blanche: I know, it's hard to believe any man could reject me.
Rose: Well, I'm going back to visit with Donna. I'll catch up with you later.
[Rose continues down the hall. Blanche stops outside Leo's office.]
Margaret: Ma'am, you can't go in there!
Blanche: Honey, I'm going in and you can't stop me.
[Blanche marches up to Leo's door, but just as she reaches for the doorknob, Leo flings it open from the inside.]
Blanche: I could jump you right now.
Leo: I could kill you right now.
Blanche: My thing's more fun.
[She follows him into the office.]
Leo: After thirty years, you march in here and accuse me of breaking your heart?
Blanche: You did break my heart! You walked out of my life and never even told me why you were leaving!
Leo: You never gave me a chance. When I wrote to tell you I was transferring, you sent me a nasty letter and said you never wanted to hear my name again.
Blanche: Well, I was so furious about the way you abandoned me!
Leo: I tell you what. I'll take you out to lunch and explain everything.
Blanche: Why, Leo McGarry, are you asking me out on a date?
Leo: No, this is absolutely not a date.
Blanche: A man, a woman, and a restaurant -- how is this different from a date?
Leo: There will be, under no circumstances, sex for you at the end of the outing.
Blanche: Oh. Well, I'll go with you anyway.
[They smile at each other.]
Leo: Give me a half an hour to finish up here, then we'll be on our way.
Blanche: You know what the best part is? Before your offer of free food and no sex, all I was doing this afternoon was hanging around the White House.
[Cut to Sophia wandering the White House halls.]
Sophia: I can't find anything to drink, I can't find a bathroom, what the hell kind of place is this, anyway?
[She sees a door marked "Press Room".]
Sophia: Press room, huh? I'll bet they have stuff to eat in there. I remember at Gil Kessler's press conference, there was fruit and cake and--
[Sophia opens the door and walks in on C.J.'s press conference. She sneaks along the side of the room and up onto the stage.]
C.J.: At the risk of repeating myself, I will not be answering more questions about last night's speech. The President will be making a statement this afternoon and--
[C.J. notices Sophia covers the microphone.]
C.J.: Um, who are you?
Sophia: Are you the hostess?
C.J.: Excuse me?
[C.J. makes a little "just a second" motion to the press.]
C.J.: Who are you?
[Sophia moves past C.J. and speaks into the microphone at the podium.]
Sophia: My name is Sophia Petrillo. I'd like a croissant and some water. You got any of that around?
C.J.: Listen, lady, I don't know who let you in here, but I'm kind of busy right now.
Sophia: Oh! Are you giving a press conference right now?
C.J. [annoyed]: Yeah.
Sophia: Why are you giving a press conference? Who the hell are you?
[A Secret Service agent steps up and drags Sophia off the stage. C.J. turns to face the press, and they all begin shouting questions to her about Sophia.]
C.J.: No more questions.
[C.J. storms out.]
[Cut to C.J., stalking toward Josh's office with Sophia in tow. Donna and Rose are visiting at Donna's desk. Josh is in his office, speed-reading through budget records. Half of Rose's homemade dessert is left on his desk.]
C.J. [yelling]: Joshua!
Josh: Claudia Jean! I have got such a sugar rush going right now –
[C.J. yanks Sophia into the room.]
Sophia: Hey! That's no way to treat a senior citizen!
C.J.: Are you responsible for this wizened little witch?
Josh: Well, I don't know that I'm really responsible for her. I mean, clearly she's over 18.
C.J. [outraged]: She ruined my briefing, Josh! She decimated it! She incited the White House press corps to a height of madness I've never seen before!
Josh: So I guess Social Security won't be the headline?
C.J.: You think this is funny?
Josh: Yeah, a little.
C.J.[miserably]: Danny Concannon asked me if the President was making her the new Surgeon General.
Josh: C.J. Do yourself a favor. Try a bit of this... Honey Glazed Rice Krispie Log thing.
Josh: Just try it.
[C.J. takes a small piece of the confection and nibbles it.]
C.J.: Oh my God.
Josh: I know.
C.J.: No, really, this is a serious problem. [She takes another bite.] Oh my God.
Josh: I know!
Sophia: I'm being falsely accused. This is America! I know my rights! I want to speak to the President!
Josh: That's not gonna happen, Mrs. Petrillo.
Sophia: I'm an American citizen. I vote. I deserve to talk to the man in charge!
Josh: Hey, Lunatic Lady! Trust me when I tell you that there's absolutely *no* way that you're going to see the President!
[Suddenly, PRESIDENT JOSIAH BARTLET appears in Josh's doorway.]
Bartlet: Hey, Josh.
[C.J., Josh, and Sophia stare at him.]
Josh [taken off-guard]: Hello, Mr. President.
Bartlet: How are you, C.J.?
C.J.: Well, I'd like this day to be over pretty bad.
Bartlet: Who's your friend?
Josh [sighing]: This is Sophia Petrillo. She's a friend of Donna's grandmother Rose, who's out there. I assume her other buddies are around here somewhere.
C.J.: There are *more* of them?
Bartlet [greeting Sophia]: How are you?
Sophia: I'm doing all right for an eighty year old woman who just got dragged around by armed guards!
Bartlet: Would you like to take a walk with me?
Sophia [with a triumphant glance at Josh]: Sure!
[Cut to Bartlet walking down the hall with Sophia and Rose.]
Bartlet: So you both live in Miami.
Rose: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: And you're Sicilian, Sophia? And Rose is from Minnesota?
Sophia: Yes, that's right.
Bartlet: And do you both have health insurance?
Sophia: What does it look like? I'm on Medicare.
Bartlet: Do you believe that it's more important to save Social Security than to maintain a balanced budget for the next decade?
Sophia: I've had a stroke, heart surgery, and three hip operations. If I can't count on Social Security, you want me to get a job loading delivery trucks?
Bartlet [chuckles]: I agree with you. Apparently, most of Congress doesn't, even though when elections roll around they love to talk about how they're going to help the elderly.
Rose: Some of those politicians will say anything to get elected. I remember when I was a little girl, back in St. Olaf, when Thor Strottlebiggen was running for the state Senate against Mimi....
Bartlet [fascinated]: You had a woman candidate in your hometown? That's something to be proud of.
Rose: Oh, Mimi wasn't a woman; she was a cow!
Bartlet: A cow?
Rose: She was the favorite in the election, although some people didn't agree with her policies on vegetarianism.
[Dorothy comes up the hallway behind them.]
Dorothy: Girls, you'll never guess what I.... [Rose, Sophia, and Bartlet turn around. Dorothy freezes.]
Sophia: President Bartlet, this is my daughter, Dorothy Zbornak.
Bartlet: It's very nice to meet you.
[Dorothy, in shock, nods vaguely.]
Bartlet: Your mother's been telling me about you. You're a teacher?
[Dorothy nods again.]
Bartlet: She also said you've been very much involved in Democratic politics all your life.
[Dorothy nods again, practically catatonic. Bartlet shrugs as Leo walks up.]
Leo: Mr. President, could I have a moment of your time?
Bartlet: Of course, Leo. Ladies, you'll excuse me for a few minutes?
[Dorothy does her little nod again.]
Rose: Of course we will, sir! It's been an honor talking to you.
Bartlet [to Sophia, affectionately]: And you, don't sneak into any more press conferences.
Sophia: Fair enough. [As Bartlet and Leo walk away, Sophia pinches Dorothy on the arm.]
Dorothy [distantly]: That was Jed Bartlet. President Jed Bartlet.
Sophia: My daughter, the ace detective.
[Cut to the President and Leo, going into Leo's office.]
Bartlet: I can't tell if that Zbornak woman is boring or just rude, but she's one or the other.
Leo: I'm sorry to hear that, sir.
Bartlet: Cute little old mother, though.
Leo: Yeah, 24 reporters in the Press Room think she's adorable.
Bartlet: C.J. isn't so crazy about her. What do you need?
Leo: Blanche, Mrs. Petrillo's other friend. I used to date her, back before I met you.
Bartlet: When you were still in school down South?
Bartlet: Seeing her again must have brought back some memories.
Leo: I broke off our relationship sort of abruptly. I'm having lunch with her in a few minutes.
Bartlet: Well, did you love her?
Leo: It was a long time ago. I just wish we'd ended things properly.
Bartlet: Well, Leo, it sounds to me like your relationship with Blanche was just a violet spark between the flicker of the light.
Leo: With all due respect, sir, what the hell are you talking about?
Bartlet: You know, Leo! When you get an electric shock, and you see a flash of violet light for just a second before you can see properly again?
Leo: I try to avoid getting electric shocks.
Bartlet: I'm saying, go to lunch. Tell her why you left her. Talk it out, you'll feel better.
Leo: Thank you, sir.
[As Leo walks away, Bartlet calls after him.]
Bartlet: Just a violet spark between the flicker of the light, Leo.
Leo [calling back]: If you say so, sir.
[Leo exits. Bartlet looks pleased with his good advice. Fade out]
[Fade up on Leo and Blanche, walking in the Mall together by the Reflecting Pool.]
Leo: So you married George Devereaux! I remember him. He was a nice guy.
Blanche: Yes, he really was a wonderful man.
Leo: I could've taken him.
Blanche: Oh, stop! [They laugh.] There's just one thing I still don't understand -- why did you stand me up that night, and then leave town so suddenly?
Leo: That night I met a girl named Jennifer Colby. She was visiting her cousin; she was in school up north. I met her at a lecture and right away I knew she was the one for me.
Blanche: So you changed schools to be with her?
Leo: Yes. We got married right after graduation. Right now we're separated.
Blanche [slightly flustered]: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Leo: Well, I'm sorry that your husband passed away.
Blanche: It's kind of you to say that. I --
[A passing roller-blader accidentally jostles Blanche and topples her into the pool.]
Leo [trying not to laugh]: Blanche, do you need a hand there?
Blanche: Avert your eyes, Leo McGarry!
Blanche: I'm going to be climbing out of the water in wet, clingy clothes. Avert your eyes!
[Leo turns around politely as she clambers out of the water. Realizing she doesn't have a towel, she folds her arms around herself.]
Blanche: Oh... turn around.
Leo: Let me take you back to the office. We'll find you a towel, or something.
Blanche: I hope so. [She pauses.] Leo? If you fell in love with Jenny, and I fell in love with George, does that mean that you and I were never in love with each other to begin with?
Leo: I don't know, Blanche. Maybe it means our love was just a violet spark between the flicker of the light. [She looks at him. He shrugs.] Yeah, I don't know what it means either.
[She laughs and they walk away together.]
[Cut to Toby and Dorothy, standing behind Sam and reading over his shoulder as he types.]
Toby: Sam, you're going to come to a verb soon, right?
Sam: Okay, you know what this is called?
Dorothy: Bad writing?
Toby: Well, you say potato.
Dorothy: Why do you keep talking about putting Social Security in a lockbox? You've said that four times already in three paragraphs.
Sam: It's symbolic!
Toby: It's the worst metaphor I've ever heard.
Sam: I know.
[Sam's secretary KATHY knocks on the door.]
Kathy: The President wants you in his office in five minutes.
Sam: Is there some kind of situation?
Kathy: No, he wants Ms. Zbornak to come too. I think he wants to toast everybody. [She walks out.]
Dorothy: The President wants to see *me* in the Oval Office!
Toby: I hope he's not loopy on back medication again. [He looks down at what Sam has just typed.] Honestly, anytime you want to use a verb would be fine with me.
[Cut to Josh and Donna in Josh's office.]
Josh: Why did you let her do that?!
Donna: I couldn't exactly stop her, Josh.
Josh: I can't believe you let your grandmother give the rest of that Maple Molasses Log thing away.
Donna: Take it up with the President, then. He wants us in his office in five minutes.
Josh: Well, before we go, I really did get you a birthday present.
Josh: In spite of the fact that you allowed the Honey Log to get away.
[Josh produces a box from a drawer in his desk and gives it to Donna. Inside is a small lamp shaped like a turtle.]
Donna: It's a turtle.
Josh: Donna Moss, mistress of the obvious. It's a turtle lamp. A *Galapogos* turtle lamp. And there's a card.
[Donna reads the card and bursts into tears.]
Donna: You know, you spend all day being a colossal pain in the –
Donna: Neck. And then you go and write such a sweet card....
[She smiles and hugs him quickly.]
Josh: Better than scuba-diving, huh?
Donna: Don't push your luck.
[Cut to CJ, in her office with DANNY CONCANNON.]
Danny: So, the little old lady --
C.J.: Danny, aren't we past this already?
Danny: Did the Secret Service have a really hard time overpowering her? [She rolls her eyes.] Inquiring minds want to know. The whole press corps, in fact --
C.J.: You're a rabble-rouser, you know that? You rouse rabbles. [She stands up and hustles him toward the door.] I have to go to the Oval Office.
Danny: Is there something going on I want to know about?
C.J.: No, it's the President being paternal and loving again.
Danny: I love it when he does that!
C.J.: And you're not invited.
Danny: You're no fun.
C.J.: I'm barrels of fun!
[C.J. closes the door behind them. Cut to the Oval Office, where Josh, Donna, Leo, Sam, Toby, C.J., Sophia, Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, and the President are assembled.]
Bartlet [to Rose]: That Brown Sugar Crunchy Log – would you please stop on your way out and give Mrs. Landingham the recipe for that?
Rose: I'd be delighted to!
Bartlet: She won't let me eat it, though.
Rose: Why not?
Bartlet [conspiratorily]: Special diet. She withholds food from me.
[Across the room, Dorothy is talking to Sam and Josh.]
Dorothy: ...So, I said, "What does Joe have to say about this?" And he said, "Joe who?" And I said, "Jo' Mama!"
[Sam laughs. Toby shakes his head.]
Sam: Sarcasm's a scary thing in a woman of your age, Ms. Zbornak.
Dorothy: Oh, and what age is that?
Sam: Late twenties.
Bartlet [walking behind his desk]: Can I have everyone's attention, please?
[They turn to him.]
Bartlet: First of all, I'd like to extend hearty birthday salutations to Donna. Happy birthday.
[Everyone applauds. Donna looks embarassed.]
Bartlet: It's been an unusual day, not that there are too many normal days around here. Toby, have you forgiven me yet for getting a little inventive during my speech last night? Please remember the name of the room we're in before you answer.
Toby: All is forgiven, sir.
Bartlet: I thought so. It's important sometimes, at the end of the day, to stop and think about things before we put them aside. C.J., I'm sorry your briefing went off-kilter today, and I'm sure Sophia is too.
Sophia: I guess so.
Bartlet: You can forgive her. Eventually, you'll look back and smile and realize it's a much smaller problem than whatever comes up next week. We look back at our days, at our weeks, at our lives. [He beams at Leo and Blanche, who smile meaningfully at each other.] We forgive the wrongs, and remember the little details with joy. We should remember to turn to one another to share that, and I'd like to thank these women for reminding me to touch base with the people who support me.
Sophia: Thanks, but, uh, I never voted for you!
Bartlet: Well, thanks for trying, but here I am anyway. I've learned something from you today; I think we all have. I'm thinking about friendship, and forgiveness, and how to carry those things from our past, into our present, toward our future.
Josh [holding up a glass]: Hear, hear!
[They toast. Pull back to an overhead shot of everyone in the room enjoying each other's company, and then to an exterior shot of the White House at sunset before we fade to black.]
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